It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I love black thongs
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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