I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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