I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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