I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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