a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
