Your face is a jimmy john
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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