My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
