My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
