I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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