ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
