Apparently you make a good broom.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
