Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
