I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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