When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
