She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
