I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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