Please, let me fuck your mom
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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