no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
