Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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