I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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