cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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