I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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