I will die if light touches me.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
