I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
