Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
