I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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