So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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