what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
