does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
