Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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