i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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