Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
