You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
