so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
