youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
