Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
