I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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