I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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