Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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