Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
