hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
