I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
