I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
home. puking in laundry basket.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I need moral support for this bender
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
