You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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