oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
