There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
