She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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