Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
