I feel great
I just peed on a car
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
