I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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