its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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