I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
