I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
