ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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