yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
