I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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