Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
