This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
