I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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