I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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