Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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