I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
